It’s hard to do a really good job on anything you don’t think about in the shower.
It's not that I'm not a people person, I'm just not a stupid people person.
Home is where the dog hair sticks to everything but the dog.
I fear one day I'll meet God, he'll sneeze and I won't know what to say.
Fundamentalists are to Christianity what paint-by-numbers is to art.
I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I don't have any clean laundry, because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life?
If I had my life to live over again, I'd be a plumber.
The problem with writing about religion is that you run the risk of offending sincerely religious people, and then they come after you with machetes.
If there were no God, it would have been necessary to invent him.
A man's face is his autobiography. A woman's face is her work of fiction.
The ice caps are melting, Leonard. In the future, swimming won’t be optional.
Everybody wishes they could go to heaven, but no one wants to die.
When something goes wrong in your life just yell "PLOT TWIST", and move on.
Where does the family start? It starts with a young man falling in love with a girl - no superior alternative has yet been found.
Sir Winston Churchill
Insanity runs in my family. It practically gallops.
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
Some family trees bear an enormous crop of nuts.
If minutes were kept of a family gathering, they would show that "Members not Present" and "Subjects Discussed" were one and the same.
Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.
You can't choose your family, but you can ignore their phone calls.
Love is a sweet dream and marriage is the alarm clock.
If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question?
Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are.
Men always want to be a woman's first love - women like to be a man's last romance.
Love is the answer, but while you're waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty interesting questions.