Everybody wishes they could go to heaven, but no one wants to die.
When something goes wrong in your life just yell "PLOT TWIST", and move on.
I wish my book of life was written in pencil... There are a few pages I would like to erase.
When nothing goes right, Go left.
The reason I talk to myself is because I'm the only one whose answers I accept.
Doesn't expecting the unexpected make the unexpected expected?
Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards.
Change is not a four-letter word, but often your reaction to it is.
What doesn't kill you gives you a lot of unhealthy coping mechanisms and a really dark sense of humor.
Never do anything that you wouldn't want to explain to the paramedics.
Anything you lose automatically doubles in value.
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to someone else.
When I hear somebody sigh, "life is hard," I am always tempted to ask, "compared to what?"
Sydney J Harris
If only common sense were more common.
All God does is watch us and kill us when we get boring. We must never, ever be boring.
Life doesn't have any hands, but it can sure give you a slap sometimes.
I buy expensive suits. They just look cheap on me.
If you think your boss is stupid, remember: you wouldn't have a job if he were smarter.
A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.
Sir Winston Churchill
If at first, you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
Age is not important unless you're cheese.